Jokes Thread

A shop that sells new husbands has just opened in Sydney, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the shop operates:

 

You may visit this shop ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

 

So, a woman goes to the Husband Shop to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

 

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

 

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign

reads:

 

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

 

"That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more." So she continues upward.

The third floor sign reads:

 

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

 

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

 

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

 

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

 

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

 

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

 

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

 

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign

reads:

 

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Shop.

 

 

IMPORTANT NOTE:

 

To avoid charges of gender bias, the shops' owner opened a New Wives shop just across the street.

 

The first floor has wives that love sex.

 

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

 

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited 

 The wife was very unhappy with her car and complained a lot to her husband: 'Buy me a surprise for my birthday!' she said. 'Something that accelerates from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds! And I would prefer a blue one!'
Happy and excited she was counting down the days for her birthday. And finally she got the beautiful present her husband thoughtfully bought....


A Blue Weight Scale
 
 

Apparently he is dead now....


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just imagine this.................




One day I met a sweet lady and fell in love. When it became apparent that we
would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from
work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I
would be late because I had to walk home.

On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more
than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any
ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before
I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see me and exclaimed
delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." She then
blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and
just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.

She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went
to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was
becoming most unbearable, so while my lovely wife was out of the room I
seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a
skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned
the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the  other cheek, I ripped
off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage , pheeww.....

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I
went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.

When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I
quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap
and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with
myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned,
apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the
blindfold and I assured her I had not.

At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated
around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I ALMOST FAINTED.

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English


WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry - You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit - I'm gay 
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> A HIGH SCHOOL GIRL FINALLY HAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO GO TO A
> PARTY ALONE,
>
> SINCE SHE WAS GOOD LOOKING, SHE WAS A BIT NERVOUS ABOUT
> WHAT TO DO IF
> BOYS HIT ON HER, SO HER MOM SAID,
>
> IT'S VERY EASY, WHENEVER A BOY STARTS HITTING ON YOU, YOU
> ASK HIM "WHAT
> WILL BE THE NAME OF OUR BABY?" THAT WILL SCARE THEM OFF, SO
> SHE WENT.
>
> AFTER A LITTLE WHILE AT THE PARTY A BOY STARTED DANCING
> WITH HER, AND
> LITTLE BY LITTLE, KISSING HER AND TOUCHING HER. SHE ASKED
> HIM, "WHAT
> WILL OUR BABY BE CALLED?" THE BOY FOUND SOME EXCUSE AND
> DISAPPEARED.
>
> SOME TIME LATER THE SAME THING HAPPENED AGAIN, A BOY
> STARTED TO KISS HER
> NECK, HER SHOULDERS........ SHE STOPPED HIM AND ASKED HIM,
> "WHAT WILL BE
> THE NAME OF OUR BABY?" HE RAN OFF.
>
> LATER ON, ANOTHER BOY INVITED HER FOR A WALK, AFTER A FEW
> MINUTES HE
> STARTED KISSING HER AND SHE ASKED HIM, "WHAT WILL OUR BABY
> BE CALLED?"
>
> HE CONTINUED, NOW SLOWLY TAKING HER CLOTHES OFF. "WHAT WILL
> OUR BABY BE
> CALLED?" SHE ASKED ONCE MORE. HE BEGAN TO HAVE SEX WITH
> HER. "WHAT WILL
> OUR BABY BE CALLED?" SHE ASKED AGAIN.
>
> AFTER HE WAS DONE, HE PEELED OFF HIS CONDOM, TIED IT IN A
> KNOT AND
> SAID.... "IF HE GETS OUT OF THIS ONE.........He will be
> called
> Chuck Norris!!!"
---------------------------------------------------

A married couple is lying in bed one night.
The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his
bed lamp on to read a book.
As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fóndles
her special area. He does this a few times, but only for a very short
interval before returning to read his book.

The wife gradually becomes more and more aroúsed assuming that her
husband is seeking some encouragement she gets up and starts stripping
in front of him.

The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your
clothes?"
His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was
forëplay."
The husband says, "No, not at all."
His wife asks angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then?"
"I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book."
 

---------------------------------------------------------------------

         At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
        When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!
        But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long, That
        I grew strong, And I knew that I could take you on...
        But there you are, another lie,
        I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French Fry!
        I should have known that it was bulls***t, just a sad pathetic dream
        Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those
        jeans!

       
         

        Go on now - go,! Walk out the door,
        Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!
        Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!?
        Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??!!
       
        [Chorus]
       
        I will survive! I will survive!
        Cuz as long as I have batteries,
        My sex life's gonna thrive!
        I will always have good sex,
        with a handful of latex!
        I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!
       
        It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
        When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud!
        But to hell with your ego and to hell with all your needs,
        Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!
       
        [Chorus]
       
        I will survive! I will survive!
        Cuz as long as I have batteries,
        My sex life's gonna thrive!
        I will always have good sex,
        With a handful of latex!
        I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!

         
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a Surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning,  Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have seat". After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith. "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with
that." "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said. "Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider Their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a Good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. "Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?" "It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away." "Tripod?" "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three football fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road.

They stopped and discovered an unconscious, nude woman.
Out of respect and propriety, the Liverpool fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast.
The Chelsea fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast.
Following their lead, the Man Utd fan took off his cap and placed over her private region.
The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his investigation.
First, he lifted up the Liverpool cap, looked, replaced it and wrote down a few notes.
Next, he lifted up the Chelsea cap, looked, replaced it and wrote down some more notes.
Then he lifted up the Man utd cap, looked, replaced it, scratched his head, lifted it again and looked, replaced it, thought for a minute then lifted it again, looked and finally replaced it before writing down some notes.

The Man Utd fan was getting a little upset and asked, "What are you, a pervert or something! Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"

"Well," said the officer, "I'm simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Man Utd cap I find an a$$hole.
 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Who says Men don't remember

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their   bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.   
 
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee. He appears to be in   deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from   his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. Why are you down here at this time of Night?" The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember twenty years   ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly." Yes, I do," she replies.   
 
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"   
 
 "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside   him. The husband continued.

"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for twenty years?" "I remember that, too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said   "I would have been released today."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who cooks from time
to time and cleans up at home.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you
laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman whom you can trust
and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed
and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women
don't know each other!!!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,

 

"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

 

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

 

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.

 

Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

 

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.

 

The minister said, "Hello, son is your Grandma home?

 

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom banging her boyfriend."

 

The minister fainted.

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I think that's enough reading for now let me know if you guys want more.

pmsl naza them jokes are so funny keep em coming!

Q) What’s the difference between a dildo and a Man United fan?
A) A Man United fan is a real dick!

Q: How many Man U fans does it take to pave up a driveway?
A: Depends how thin you slice them.

bloody scum mancs

3 United fans are walking in the desert when they figure out that they have become lost. The first of the fans comes across a set of tracks and says wow guys there tiger tracks lets follow them home. And the next goes yeah lets but i think they are bear tracks. And the third goes um guys im pretty sure they are dog tracks. So anyway they all walk along the tracks eager to find out which animal may lay at the end and if these tracks would lead them home
 
 
 
 
 

 
 
 
 
15 minutes later they get him by a train

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

I'd love to be eight again" she replied

On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made her a nice big  bowl of Coco Pops and then took her off to the local theme park.

What a Day! He put her on every ride in the park: The Death Slide, The Wall of Fear, The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

Right away they journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a Refreshing chocolate milkshake.

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted.

He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you f*ckin tw*t"

The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong!!!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their
parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat

of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got
broken.

"What's the moral of that story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too.
But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs,
but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this
story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."

"That was a fine story Sarah."

Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon
was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of
whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she
landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of
bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade
broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the f**k away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking."


SOMEHOW I THINK THE SAME WILL HAPPEN WITH SMIGGS AFTER SHE'S HAD STELLA 
 
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Small Panties
 
 

A young couple, just married were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said.

"That's right," said the husband, and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Hell," he said. "I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to be until your attitude changes!"
 
 
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One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
 He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the
Middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he Turned
to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried To dig it
out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He

Called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they Became
worried and decided to go to the hospital.

  As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home With
her date. After being informed of the problem, their Daughter's' date
said he could get the peanut out. The young man Told the father to sit
down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up The father's nose and told
him to blow hard. When the father blew, The peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and Yelled for joy. The young man
insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so
wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going To be when he
grows older?"

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son In-law."

------------------------------------------------------------------------
            program called: WIFE/ GIRLFRIEND

 

           

              Dear Tech Support:

           

            Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend version 7.0 to Wife version

1.0 .   I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child

processing that took up a  lot of space and valuable resources. In

addition, Wife 1.0installed itself into all other programs and now

monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night

10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6

            I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting

to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to

Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please

help!

           

            Thanks,

           

            A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)

            ________________________ ___________

           

            REPLY:

            Dear Troubled User:

           

            This is a very common problem that men complain about.

           

            Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking

that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an

OPERATING SYSTEM..

           

            You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is

designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under

Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and

work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background

application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

           

            The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE

because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before

the system will return to normal anyway.

           

            Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high

maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as

Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .

           

            However, be very careful how you use these programs . Improper

use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this

happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to

purchase additional software called  Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

           

            WARNING!!! DO NOT , under any circumstances, install Secretary

With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and

will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

           

            Best of luck,

            Tech Support
---------------------------------------------------------------------------



"Hello?"     

"Hi honey.   

This is Daddy.

Is Mommy near the phone?"   

"No Daddy.   She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause,   

Daddy says, "But honey,   you haven't got   an Uncle Paul."   

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,   right now."

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then,   this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on

the table,   run upstairs   and knock on the bedroom door and shout to

Mommy   that Daddy's car   just pulled into the driveway."   

 

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later   the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

 

"And what happened honey?"

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and

ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the

dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!!   

What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and

he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.

But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to

clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

 

***Long Pause***   

 

***Longer Pause***       

***Even Longer Pause***

 

 

Then Daddy says,         "Swimming pool?

 

Is this

 

486-5731?"   



NO its 468 5731.....     

 

A foreign United fan and a Liverpool fan were drinking one day in a bar on holiday.

When the Manc had finished his pint, he threw his glass up in the air and shot it with a handgun.

"What are you doing that for you loon?" asked the Scouser.

The Manc replied, "I come from a glass making family, and it is a family tradition that we do not drink with the same one twice as we have so many!"

The Scouser nodded in agreement, finished his pint and said, "We have a similar tradition in Liverpool!" He threw his glass in the air and then shot the Manc. "We have so many United fans in England, we never drink with the same one twice!"

  I'm here all week!

Two eggs are in a pan getting boiled. One's female - one's male.

Female egg says 'Oohh Look! I've got a crack.'

Male egg says 'No point telling me. I'm not hard yet.'

Why do Women prefer circumsized penises?

Because they love anything with 10% off!

A Scouser walks into a bar in Manchester and says to the barman

"Oy! Give me a pint, MANC!"

"Woah! Hang on a minute!" says the Manc, "That's not politically correct! We are all equal in God's eyes and should not speak down to brothers in a derogatory fashion because they are from a different place!"

"How would you like it if I were to treat you in that manner?"

"Wouldn't bother me mate!" said the Scouser. "Tell ya what, let's swap places then!"

The Scouser goes behind the bar and the Manc becomes the customer.

The Manc says "Hey Mickey mouser, bloody scouser get me a pint!"

The Scouser says quick as a flash " F**k OFF dickhead, we don't serve MANCS in here!"

A Scouser walks into a bar and shouts "all Mancs are ar*eholes"
A bloke stands up and says"i resent that"
the scouser says "are you a manc?"
"no" the man says "i'm an ar*ehole"

A Scouser walks into a bar in Manchester and says to the barman

"Oy! Give me a pint, MANC!"

"Woah! Hang on a minute!" says the Manc, "That's not politically correct! We are all equal in God's eyes and should not speak down to brothers in a derogatory fashion because they are from a different place!"

"How would you like it if I were to treat you in that manner?"

"Wouldn't bother me mate!" said the Scouser. "Tell ya what, let's swap places then!"

The Scouser goes behind the bar and the Manc becomes the customer.

The Manc says "Hey Mickey mouser, bloody scouser get me a pint!"

The Scouser says quick as a flash " fu*k OFF dickhead, we don't serve MANCS in here!"

Class!!!

*** Why I Fired My Secretary ***

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! " It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, " Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok," I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake .

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.

Love that garlo! 

*** Why I Fired My Secretary ***

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! " It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, " Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok," I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake .

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.

One of the best I've heard!!

After serving 20 years in prison for not paying his council tax. Jimmy the scouser arrives at Lime Street Station, with a fiver in his pocket and bollocks the size of hot air balloons. Collaring a local prostitute, he inquires about getting his balloons deflated.
 "how much" she declares....... "your not sticking that in me, for a fiver"....."come on girl, I'm desperate" pleads the luckless Jimmy. "Tell yer what....for a fiver, I'll give yer a Penguin.....follow me"..........." A whaaaaa" exclaims Jimmy

Jimmy follows the young lady round the back of the Station, sweating with anticipation. When they arrive at there destination, she pushes Jimmy's shoulders back against a wall, drops his Keck's down by his ankles and proceeds to give him the blow job of a lifetime.
 
Jimmy cant believe his luck, but just has he is about to reach the vinegar stroke. The Tom jumps up and starts to walk away. Jimmy shuffles after her with his Keck's still round his ankles..........."Hang on....why do you call it a Penguin?"

Good ones keep them coming.

lmfao these jokes are well funny

I hear jokes all the time about Liverpool, it's par for the course living in London, surrounded by chavs, Gooners, Eagles, et al. You have to have a thick skin, water off a duck's back etc. Most are not offensive having had 'The Scousers' and Toxteth riots as adverts for the city, I know how much sh*t is acceptable.

A Gooner mate told me this and had a wry smile knowing the same is true of any city.

Rafa Benitez has signed 2 new players to improve his already impressive squad.
One is a Japanese striker, the other an Italian winger.
Benitez thinks Nikamoto and Robatelli will adapt to the Liverpool culture in no time...

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.  Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.  Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"  The mother replied, "Of course I would!  We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my god! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"  "Of course" the brother replied.  "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo.

Man goes to doctor and says I have a problem every time I masterbate I start to sing glory glory man utd.... after a few minutes the doctor realises what the problem is and replies: "Don't worry about it. Lots of wankers sing that".....


and this

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. I'm prepared to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella was taken back, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.

I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do.

What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."


At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
"You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.



He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered..........

"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."

                        A woman dropped in unannounced at her son's house. Having knocked on  the door she walked in. She was surprised to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch totally naked.  Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

                         “What are you doing?' she asked.

                        'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered. 

                        But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed. 'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.

                        'Love dress? But you're naked!'

                        'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained.'Every time he sees me in this dress he becomes romantic and    ravages me for hours.

                        The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

                        Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there provocatively.  'What are you doing?' he asked.

                        'This is my love dress,' she whispered sensually.

                        'Needs ironing’ he said.

                         

 A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
 shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

 She calls on little Billy.
 He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

 The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

 Then little Billy says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women
 sitting on a bench having ice cream:
 One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
 The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
 The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
 Which one is married?"

 The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one
 that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

 To which Little Billy replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
 wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."

More little Billy....

Little Billy is in class and his teacher says "OK today we are going to try something different..."

"In my hand behind my back I have something, its yellow, and you can eat it..."
Billys hand shoots up..."ITS A BANANA !!"
"No I'm sorry Billy, its a lemon, but well done, I like your thinking..."
"next" she says "I have something that is green, and you can eat it..."
Billys hand shoots up again....."OOOH...ITS AN APPLE MISS...!!"
"No I'm sorry Billy, its a grape, but well done, I like your thinking..."
and this goes on all class, Billy just cant get any right, so finally he gets the shits...
"Excuse me Miss, Ive got one for you now..."
"In my hand under the desk, I have something about 2 inches long, with a red knob at the end..."
"Thats DISGUSTING..!!" she cries out
"Its a matchstick miss, but well done, I like your thinking..."

 True Story but aren't they all.
> AUSTRALIAN BRICKLAYER'S REPORT
>
>
> Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's
> accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian
> equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story.
> Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.......
>
>
>
> Dear Sir,
>
> I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
> Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the
> cause of my accident.
>
> You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details
> will be sufficient.
>
> I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working
> alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my
> work, I found
> that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to
> be
> slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand,
> I
> decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached
> to
> the side of the building on the sixth floor.
>
> Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel
> out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the
> rope, holding it
>  slightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block
> 11
> of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs.
>
> Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost
> my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say,
> I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the
> vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now 
> proceeding downward at an
> equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor
> abrasions and the broken collar bone, as  listed in section 3 of the
> accident report form.
>
> Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until
> the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
> Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able
> to
> hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At
> approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
> ground
> and the bottom fell out of the barrel.
>
> Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed
> approximately 50 lbs.  I refer you again to my weight. As you can
> imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In
> the vicinity of the third
> floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two ractured
> ankles, broken tooth
> and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.
>
> Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel
> seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the
> pile of bricks
> and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report,
> however,as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I
> again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and
> I
> lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me.
> This explains the two broken legs.
>
> I hope this answers your inquiry.
>
> Kevin Roben
> Wagga Glass & Aluminium Pty Ltd
> PO Box 5004 (11 Dobney Ave)
> Wagga Wagga NSW 2650