Jokes Thread

Funniest thing I've heard in ages

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which passed almost unnoticed last week...

Larry Laprise, the man that wrote the 'Hokey Kokey',died peacefully at the age of 93.

The most traumatic part for his immediate family was putting him in the coffin. They put his left leg in and then all the f*#king trouble started.........

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which passed almost unnoticed last week...

Larry Laprise, the man that wrote the 'Hokey Kokey',died peacefully at the age of 93.

The most traumatic part for his immediate family was putting him in the coffin. They put his left leg in and then all the f*#king trouble started.........

 

Pavarotti wife has been in trouble with the press because she tried to organise his funeral for a tenor
(Sorry about that one)


Man said to his wife, "You've got an arse like a three burner bbq".
Later that night, man said to wife "Do you fancy a shag"
Wife replies "There's not much point in lighting the bbq for only half a sausage"

 The Perfect Husband...


Several men are in the changing room of a golf club.

A mobile phone on a bench rings
and a man engages the Hands Free Speaker - function
and began to talk....



Everyone else in the room stops to listen.



MAN: "Hello"



WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"



MAN: "Yes"



WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found
this beautiful leather coat.

It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"


MAN: "Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much."



WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."



MAN: "How much?"


WOMAN: "£70,000"



MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."



WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000"



MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They
will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price."



WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"



MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."



The man hangs up.
the other men in the changing room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths agape.....



He smiles and asks :


"Anyone know who this phone belongs to?? ''
       
 
 






 
 

Man goes up to a prostitute, and she says to him, "You can have it for free, if you can tell me who these two are"

So she spreads her legs, and right at the top of one leg is written John Terry, on the top of the other leg is Frank Lampard.

So he said " I don't know, but I reckonise Shaun Wright Philips in the middle with the black hair and the big lips"


 

a bit old but anyway

the chelsea team go on a vacation to the ukraine
and whilst out clubbing a few girls notice them
a girl goes up to john terry
she asks him to sign her left breast, and he obliges
then she spots frank lampard
she asks him to sign her right breast, he obliges
then the same girls goes over to mourinho
and asks him to sign her vagina
mourinho immediately says no
and follows with
last time i signed a ukrainian c**t it cost me £30mil

A man from Liverpool, England was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar inthe hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face. 'Who's he?' said the Scouser.

'That's the Memory Man.' said the bartender. 'He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.' So the Scouser goes over, and thinking he won't know about English football, asks
 'Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?'. 'Liverpool' replies the Memory Man. 'Who did they beat?' 'Leeds' was the reply. 'And the score?' '2-1' 'Who scored the winning goal?' 'Ian St. John' was the old man's reply.

The Scouser was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he got back. A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled. Because he was so impressed the Scouser decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue. He approached him with the greeting 'How'.
The Memory man replied.....'Diving header in the six yard box'.

************************************

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of Manchester United Players on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on. 

Vets have confirmed that a cow has been found, in a field in Kirkby, in a state of uncontrollable mooing, to the tune of Johnny Todd [Z-Cars]. An official statement from The Royal College of Veterinary Surgeons has confirmed that it is the first confirmed case of, "Blue Nose Disease" in the UK.

On the subject of noses 

two snowmen in a field one says to the other can you smell carrots

Apologies to all our Irish friends 

Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?" asked the Irishman,
walking up to the counter.

The assistant looked at him and asked: "Are you Irish?"

"If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was
Italian? demanded the Irishman indignantly.

" Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was
German?" then, warming to his theme, he went on.

"Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was
Jewish?

Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?
Would ya? Would Ya?"

The assistant said: "Well no".

Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman
steps it up a gear. "And if I asked you for frog's legs, would you
ask me if I was French?

What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't," conceded the assistant.

So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says,
"Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just
because I asked for Irish Sausages ?

The assistant replied: Because you're in f**king Homebase."

The missus has finally gone on a diet, after visiting the doctors suffering from a badly scarred back side................"your problem" stated the quack "is your weight............ every time you turn over in bed, your scratching your arse on the Artex".

A man has six children and is so delighted with his paternal achievements
that he starts calling his wife "mother of six", though she'd rather he didnt make such a fuss.
  One night they're at a house party when the man decides it's time to leave. 'Shall we go home
then, Mother of six?' he calls to his wife.
Irritated by her husband's lack of descretion, the wife responds: 'Yes - any time you're ready,
Father of Four."

You'll love these...

Alex Ferguson is sitting at home watching TV one morning when he receives a phone call "Hello boss, it's David Beckham "Yes David what can I do for you?"

"Well boss, Posh has gone out and bought me a jigsaw to do. The problem is though none of the pieces fit together, it's impossible" "What's it supposed be?" "The picture on the box is of a chicken, but like i said it's impossible, it's really doing my head in now, if i don't get it finished by Saturday I don't think I'll be able to concentrate on the game" Ferguson starts to panic now. "I'll tell you what David bring it round here and we'll both have a go"

"Cheers boss, that's brilliant"

About half an hour later Beckham turns up at Ferguson's house with his jigsaw under his arm. He knocks on the door and Ferguson lets him in. They walk into the kitchen, and Beckham tips the pieces onto the table. Ferguson looks down at the table and then at Beckham. "David, put the F***ing cornflakes back in the box"

 

Man UTD Fan

A Man Utd fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Man Utd shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter in a Liverpool scarf.

"Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Man Utd fans in heaven."
"What ?" exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard, no Man Utd fans."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Man Utd supporter.
"Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?"
"Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa".
"Oh" says St. Peter. "anything else?"
"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans."
"Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor."
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty quid back, now F**k off".

" Dont shag illiterate midgets................c oz its not big and its not clever"................I thank you !!!

What do you call a yugoslavian prostitute?

Slobberdown Mecockyabitch

NELSON MANDELA

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.  When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a  clip board and yelling,
'You Sign! You sign!'
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.  Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,
'You Sign! You sign!'
Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face.  The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.  He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,
'You sign! You sign!'
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:
'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.    On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,
'You sign! You sign!'
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.   This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:
'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?'
The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:

 
 (Scroll down)
 

 

 


 
(Wait for it)
 

 

 

 


 
(Get your best Chinese accent ready)

 

 


 
'You not Nissan Main Deala?'


 

 
   

 
   

 

 


 

 
   

 
   

 

 

NELSON MANDELA

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.  When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a  clip board and yelling,
'You Sign! You sign!'
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.  Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,
'You Sign! You sign!'
Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face.  The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.  He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,
'You sign! You sign!'
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:
'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.    On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,
'You sign! You sign!'
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.   This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:
'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?'
The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:

 
 (Scroll down)

 

 

 


 
(Wait for it)
 

 

 

 


 
(Get your best Chinese accent ready)

 

 


 
'You not Nissan Main Deala?'


 

 
   

 
   

 

That's the best

The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that he could recognise any animal's skin by feeling it, and he could tell what calibre rifle was used to shoot it by locating the bullet hole.

This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument started. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on.

They blindfolded him and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Springbok." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "And it was shot with a .22 rifle."

He was right! The others could not believe it and the argument was even hotter than before. When someone suggested that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again for another round. So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the trunk of his car.

He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion." Fingering the bullet hole, he added, "The rifle was a .308."

He was right again! This only made the crowd more curious, and he had to prove his skills over and over again, every time winning a round of drinks.

Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife, "Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I didn't get into a fight. So where did I get this black eye?"

His wife replied angrily, "From me!" "What did I do?" he asked. She replied, "You got into bed and put your hand inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced, 'Skunk... killed with an axe!'"

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession and I've sinned with Fannie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's".

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have sinned with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies. "Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's".

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style. The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?" The altar boy replies "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes..."

Whats the difference between Everton and a tea bag ?







Tea bag stays in the cup longer

How can you tell if a scouser is on a first date?


coz when he sits down, a cloud of Talc balloons out of his Kecks


 Once again I thank you !!

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his "You-Know-What" in his hand.

"Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again!"