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Alex Ferguson is sitting at home watching TV one morning when he receives a phone call "Hello boss, it's David Beckham "Yes David what can I do for you?"
"Well boss, Posh has gone out and bought me a jigsaw to do. The problem is though none of the pieces fit together, it's impossible" "What's it supposed be?" "The picture on the box is of a chicken, but like i said it's impossible, it's really doing my head in now, if i don't get it finished by Saturday I don't think I'll be able to concentrate on the game" Ferguson starts to panic now. "I'll tell you what David bring it round here and we'll both have a go"
"Cheers boss, that's brilliant"
About half an hour later Beckham turns up at Ferguson's house with his jigsaw under his arm. He knocks on the door and Ferguson lets him in. They walk into the kitchen, and Beckham tips the pieces onto the table. Ferguson looks down at the table and then at Beckham. "David, put the F***ing cornflakes back in the box"
Man UTD Fan
A Man Utd fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Man Utd shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter in a Liverpool scarf.
"Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Man Utd fans in heaven."
"What ?" exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard, no Man Utd fans."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Man Utd supporter.
"Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?"
"Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa".
"Oh" says St. Peter. "anything else?"
"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans."
"Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor."
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty quid back, now F**k off".