Jokes Thread

Whats the best tthing about fingering a gypsy when shes on her period? You get your palm read for free.

Class

A blonde, brunette and redhead all decide to participate in the swimming of the English channel.

They all decided to do the same stroke as it would be fair and they should all finish at the same time. Not wanting to lose energy quickly, they chose breast stroke.

They all started and a few hours later, the brunette arrives on land, tired.

The next one to complete it, was the redhead, a couple of hours behind the brunette.

Lastly, 6 hours after the brunette had arrived, the blonde clambers on shore, absolutely exhausted.

When the TV crew arrived, they asked her why she took so long, she replied: "Not to be a sore loser or anything, but I think the other two were using their arms."

*************************************************************

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of Course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

I can't believe it, says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in 62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

A bloke out for a walk sees a fit blonde girl on the cliffe edge.... are you going to jump he asks ?
yeah she replies.
before you do, would you give me a blow job ?
ok the blonde says and proceeds to give the man the best blow job of his life !
I cant believe with a talent like that you would want to kill yourself say's the bloke.
I know but my parents just can't come to terms with me dressing like a girl !

Was walking past a mental institute and they were shouting 13 13 13
To see what was going on I found a hole in the fence and peered through.
Some f**ker poked me in the eye and they all shouted 14 14 14.

What's the difference between a 69er and a family reunion?


With a 69er, you only have to kiss one c*nt and look at one arsehole.   

Husband buy's his wife a car for her birthday.
I don't like it she say's I want something that goes form 0-140 in 3 second's.
He comes back with a set of bathromm scales and say's stand on that you fat tw*t !

New vodka named after John Terry bottled in Moscow.

Dont know which thread this goes in but i've just realised that Doncaster manager's initials on his shirt are SD. Now if Martin O'Neill has MON on his shirt then shouldnt Doncaster manager Sean O'Driscoll had SOD on it?

In the U.K. 9000 people are shagging right now !
                2000 people are kissing !
                  100 are recieving oral sex !
and 1 sad tw*t is reading this, you hang in there mate !

There's a new range of sex lubricant at Anne Summers this year. It's called KY Terry. Designed to make you slip in the box more easily.

There's a new range of sex lubricant at Anne Summers this year. It's called KY Terry. Designed to make you slip in the box more easily.

NEWCASLTE UNITED SHIRT 2008

Recall notice

21/05/08 - John Terry Football Boots - Recall
Date: 21st May 2008

The following notice has been published in the national press:
IMPORTANT SAFETY ADVICE
JOHN TERRY FOOTBALL BOOTS
We have just become aware that this product, which should have included studs, was actually supplied a smooth rubber sole, and has been found to be unsuitable for playing football, on wet surfaces.
If you have purchased any of these boots (pictured), they should be immediately disposed of, in the main household refuse.

Chelsea Fooball Club would like to thank you for your cooperation in this matter, and wish to apologise for any inconvenience caused. They will offer a full refund (proof of purchase required), and will also provide as way of replacement, a free pair of Russian Army Boots. Please contact:

Chelsea Football Club, Stamford Bridge, Fulham Road, London, SW6 1HS

Birthday Reminder!!!!!!!
 
This week we celebrate a special birthday!
Monica Lewinsky turned 34.
Can you believe it?
It seems like only yesterday she was crawling
around the White House on her hands and knees,
and putting everything in her mouth.
They grow up so fast, don't they?

Birthday Reminder!!!!!!!
 
This week we celebrate a special birthday!
Monica Lewinsky turned 34.
Can you believe it?
It seems like only yesterday she was crawling
around the White House on her hands and knees,
and putting everything in her mouth.
They grow up so fast, don't they?

great one AussieRed

Love the geordie shirt, RedPuppy mate. Class

Aussie, your quite the comedian

Good news, Joesf Fritzel has been givin the death penalty

Bad news, John Terry will take it

Good news, Joesf Fritzel has been givin the death penalty

Bad news, John Terry will take it

Good news, Joesf Fritzel has been givin the death penalty

Bad news, John Terry will take it

heard that one a few times now.

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and
plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she
takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob.  'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and
brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she
know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob,
starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him
for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4
letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bi*ch this time.'


BOB's funeral will be on Friday.

Sorry I haven't been in touch for a while, was in France in a strawberry crushing competition I came second. First place went to a woman with no legs...... jammy c**t.

Sorry I haven't been in touch for a while, was in France in a strawberry crushing competition I came second. First place went to a woman with no legs...... jammy c**t.

very very good

Sorry I haven't been in touch for a while, was in France in a strawberry crushing competition I came second. First place went to a woman with no legs...... jammy c**t.

love it  



DAD AT THE MALL

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab
a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to
him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange,
and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find
him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old
man, never done anything wild in your life?'


Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response;
knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye
in his response, 'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just
wondering if you were my son.'